I was cleaning our apartment today and I walked past a pile of things that we tossed into our spare room to make space. In that pile were some pillows, blankets, and THE curtains. These curtains mean a lot to me. They are the curtains I have envisioned in our future babies nursery. They were given to me by my friend. They are fun, and funky, with a little bit of a retro flair to them and I just knew the moment she sent a picture of them I wanted them for our little ones nursery.
Those curtains are wonderful but they have also caused a lot of pain, to the point where I have been tempted to get rid of them. Why? Because they have reminded me of the journey that is: GETTING PREGNANT.
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mommy. Ever since I was little I have had a desire to have children of my own that I could care for and nurture and just pour the love of God on them.
When my husband and I got married we decided that we were going to wait a year before we started a family. I was skeptical about going on birth control for certain reasons but did it and that only lasted 5 months and my body went CRAZY! So that didn't last long. I stopped taking it and for months I let my body get back to normal. Can you believe that it took from September 2014 to August 2015 for my body to get regulated again? THIS is one of the many reasons that I will never go back on birth control, it just did not do my body good. ANY WAY, after a year of marriage and growing my husband said, "I want to be a dad!" I'm sure you could imagine my excitement when I heard these words! I did the happy dance over and over again.
Great we are going to have a baby 9 months from now (is what I thought)! I mean the Bible says that God created man and woman and they became one and they were fruitful and multiplied, easy right? NO! I never learned the details that go into making a baby. I mean we certainly understood the baby making dance ;) but I didn't know how small the chance was of conceiving a baby every month. It wasn't like they said in family life, "if you have unprotected sex you will either get a disease OR get pregnant right away" neither of which are necessarily true.
A month went by since we started trying and I got my period. Then 2 months then 3 and I was crushed. It is such a horrible feeling when you think you're pregnant and Aunt flow decides to come the next day. That feeling became all too familiar to me month after month after month with piles of negative pregnancy tests. I allowed the desire to get pregnant to become an idol in my life. I thought about it EVERYDAY. I checked my fertility tracker eagerly, looking to see if I was getting close to my fertile days. If I saw the slightest sign of ovulation I would hop on the chance and get to doing the baby making dance in hopes of creating a baby.
4 months passed then 5 then 6 then 7 and 8 and still no baby in my womb. Broken and hurt I just balled my eyes out. I could not control the hurt and pain and disappointment I was feeling inside. I had friends getting pregnant and I was SO EXCITED for them but then I also ached on the inside because I so badly wanted to be that girl who got to find out they would be welcoming a precious one into the world.
I remember one morning getting news that a friend of mine was expecting and I just broke down. My heart was overwhelmed with joy for her but it was overwhelmed with pain because it was just a reminder that I was not there yet. My husband and I sat at breakfast that morning and I lost all control. Tears came pouring out of my eyes all over my pancakes. Brent being the loving man he is grabbed me and sat me on his lap and just hugged me. He didn't say much, he just held me in his arms and assured me that in Gods time we will have a beautiful baby. He left for work and I just sat on our couch crying, hyperventilating, and having what felt like a mental break down.
I felt like a failure. I felt like something was wrong with me. Why am I not pregnant yet?
"My husband wants a baby and I haven't given one to him yet!" I called my mom and just cried to her. She assured me that how I feel is normal and she too has been there and has felt those exact emotions as well. She assured me that I was being too hard on myself and that all Brent and I could do was sow a seed and ONLY God could bring the harvest in His PERFECT time! Her words brought me such comfort because everything she said was rooted in Gods promises! In the meantime she said to be thanking God and praying for our future CHILDREN, which I have for years even before I got married!
The next morning when we went to Church, WOW! That is all I can say! It was amazing and almost like Pastor knew exactly what we were going through. He talked about Moses as a baby and how his mom did all this work in order to protect her baby. He went into detail about how much hard work it takes to make the basket she made to put Moses in. She gave her ALL and when it was time to put Moses in the basket she did not know if what she did was enough. Will Moses live? Will he be ok in the river? She wasn't certain what she did was good enough but she trusted that the Lord would take care of it and she gave all her worries and concerns and desires over to the Lord! GET THIS, not only did God protect Moses but God brought Moses back to his mother AND she got paid by Pharaoh's daughter to raise HER OWN SON! Pastor said, our prayers are so small compared to the BIG things God ALREADY has in store for us. He urged us to send our concerns and worries and desires down the river and trust God! So that I did! I said,
"Lord you know the desires of our hearts and I am trusting you that our baby will be brought to us in YOUR perfect time! Your plan and timing is perfect so why would I ever want to rush it?
I truly believe that when we are WALKING IN THE LORD'S WILL for our lives there is nothing that we can do to speed up or slow down His promises for us. So we need to accept that waiting means exercising faith. Faith in His timing, faith in His goodness and love for us!
Later that week I met with my friend Emily. Can I just brag on her for a moment? She is a literal answer to prayer! She is humble, loving, comforting, joyful, encouraging...the list could go on forever but I'm sure if I gush about her too much she would blush! She said something to me that to this day still makes me cry tears of joy. She said, "like we are sitting here together. One day you and your daughter or son will be sitting together and you will be able to look into their eyes and say, I waited for you for so long! I prayed for you everyday and here you are!"
And you know what yet another month has gone by and I got my period. Was I a bit upset, of course! Naturally speaking I believe it is ok to experience disappointment but it is about taking that disappointment and turning to God and being real, being authentic and saying, "God I am upset right now, but I know that You are good and Your plans are great and I trust in Your Will for me! I won't allow myself to grovel in disappointment. I won't accept defeat!"
I could easily look at my friends and feel sorry for myself, but why? The plan that God has for me is not the same as my friends. Do I really believe that my extraordinary God I serve is that boring that He would make my plan in life the same as someone else?
I don't know when I will get pregnant but I know that I will! God promises it in His Word.
"There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives" (Exodus 23:26)
I believe that with my whole heart!
For once in a long time during this baby making process, I feel peace. I feel comfort. I feel like I can rest. I know the pain of waiting. I know the pain of seeing negative pregnancy tests over and over again. BUT I stand here today knowing the JOY that is found in waiting because in waiting my faith has grown unbelievably! In waiting I have learned to trust The Perfect One and His oh so perfect plan for my husband and I. Today I can sit here and rejoice because I know God is a loving and faithful Father who DELIGHTS in blessing us with our hearts desires. I mean, He did in fact put those desires there so who is He not to bring them to pass? I cannot wait for that day when He blesses us with our biggest hearts desire!
Baby Vinson, we cannot wait to meet you! We cannot wait to hold you and love you and kiss you all over! We prayed for you, we cried for you, we thanked God for you and we are eagerly awaiting the day when we find out you will be blessing not only us, but this world with your beautiful presence!
If you are in the waiting season, sweet friends please know that it is such a beautiful season to be in! You can either poke out your lip and cry "woah is me" or you can see it as an amazing opportunity that God has chosen to give you to grow your faith and your relationship with Him. It is such a blessing to know that God wants me to draw closer to Him, to know that He loves me so much and desires me to know Him even deeper that He would use a desire I hold so dear to my heart in order to love on me EVEN MORE! I don't believe He is withholding something from me, I believe that He is perfecting something FOR me!
"The will perfect concerns me; Your mercy, O , forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands" (Psalm 138:8).